Well, I don’t know where do I start, it’s like a million thoughts in my mind running at once.
Today, I was setting with a friend of mine, we were discussing a lot of things, about relativity, about origins, about life … etc.
It was mostly about judging and “MAYBE”, maybe things are this, and maybe things are not. You have to make a decision, but maybe you were right, and maybe you were wrong.
Logic should help you in this, but the problem is that logic is not always logical, Logic says that everything should have a start, and everything should have an end; but also logic says that there is always a plus 1, and of course there is always a minus 1. Well this is not logical, there is no rules, there is nothing in logic.
I started thinking, I’m living this life, I’m 22 years old now, I’m running in this life, I don’t want to waste time, why?
In computer science, the most thing I saw that implements something like life was General Trees, and people started to put Algorithms to search them, but there is a big difference between them and between life, when you are in a node in the Tree, you know all the nodes surrounding you. In life you know some of the nodes around you, but more and more nodes are hidden from you, you always try to think out of the box to find another options (nodes), but you can’t know them all. another major difference is that when searching in a General tree when you reach a dead end, you can go back one step or more. In life that’s not always available, you cannot undo things you’ve done. People made heuristics to find the shortest path to another node, they rarely happen to find them (only in an ideal tree or life), for example everyday, I wake up to go to work (from Rainbow St. to the Second circle), I have some different paths to reach it, I have some rational options, and I take one of them. My rational option is that to reach to my work is to be heading to the first circle up the street, but what if I took another path, what if went down town, maybe I would find a colleague who’s driving a car, and just picks me up and I would spend less time in my journey to work. it takes me about 20 minutes when I take my rational path, but if I calculate my irrational path, it would take me in such condition about 8 minutes. (it’s another Maybe).
Another thing, I’m running through my life, racing time, but to where … ? I’m more successful in my life than most of people in my age. but how can I tell. A simple question is always asked, what is the reason of my life? a lot of people just answer it without even really thinking about it. well let’s ask the question in another way, what is the thing that you would die for? that if you achieved it you don’t want anything more? well maybe I had an answer for that question for sometime, but it changed in a lot of time. new purposes where put, and a lot of purposes where erased. Now, I can’t answer that question. I think is that I’m living in a chaos. It’s a little bit organized, but it’s still a chaos.
Damn, I cannot concentrate on one thing. Why am I going to work everyday? why I’m spending time doing what I do? why am I being me? where do I want to go in the end? …
No answer, which gives another kind of question, why do I want to live? I didn’t choose to live in the first place, I was never convinced with a reason to come to this planet. And now I’m fighting to survive … Ironic. If I died, what changes would that make? If I lived a million year, what changes would that make? If I didn’t come to this planet, what changes would be? … No answer!
If you take an upper view to life, you would feel it’s worthless. But you are fighting for survival, you are racing time to take the most of it. WHY? … No answer.
I lived a lot of experience in my life, that most people would live and die without knowing any of them, I lived the best days of my life, and I lived the worst. I knew what hunger means, and I know how love feels like. I lived days that I don’t want to sleep, cause I would lose a moment of happiness, and I lived days that I don’t want to wake up, so I wouldn’t feel more pain. Why all of this? I could’ve ended things in a lot of ways, but I didn’t. I could’ve asked for help from people that I don’t want them in my life when I really needed it, but I didn’t. why? … I just don’t know.
In the last JP meeting, I spent almost 10 minutes, just sitting, looking at every group, hearing what they say, just trying to figure out what discussion interests me the most. I wanted to move to sit beside a group, to join, but at that moment, I don’t know what happened to me, I moved to another group. what I was thinking in that moment? … can’t say.
Sometimes I think, what if I knew everything? wouldn’t that make my life easier? but what does it worth living after that? I’ve always hated limits, but limits makes you comfortable. Sometimes I’m too lazy to be alive … other times I come too active to be a … I don’t know what. but most of the time I just exist, doing things for no reason, breathing for no reason, but just trying to live as a regular normal being? but I always fail. Most of people dream to be superb, I always wanted to be just normal, and I always fail. People usually respect me, but they also never agree with me. Maybe I’m trying to be a romantic rational person. but of course in theory I would fail, and I guess I failed.
Damn, I don’t know anything. I guess I’m going really crazy …